From Despair to Dancing

"You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; you ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough" (Msg. Bible, Psalm 30:11 - 12).

This psalm actually represents part of a testimony for me. And I must say, that I absolutely love David because he is one of the most authentic characters in the Bible. David expresses such a wide range of emotions -- from joy to anger to despair to joy again, to despair again -- that he makes the psalms tangible and so very real. He just puts it all out there, regardless of what anyone thinks about his issues, weakness, sorrows, or circumstances. I totally understand where he lives; probably all of us at one time or another do, and if you don't, keep on living.

Last year, at about this time, I was in the middle of a trial that was about to get worse; I had been through storms before, but this one was particularly difficult because I had been walking through it for a few years. It was an extremely dark time for me. There were moments when so much was weighing upon me until getting up out of bed was a chore. When the circumstances turned, a few months later, and it looked as if everything would be resolved -- things were in "place," I had a chance to breathe, I thought that the trial was over . . . but it wasn't. Since the commencement of the trial, I had taken on a specific role. But when that role was no longer required, instead of feeling this incredible sense of elation and relief, I felt empty, useless, guilty, and, as a result, I sank into a short-term depression. I was so used to caring for others, praying for others while neglecting myself, that I consequently fell into an abyss. This says so much about us as humans; ritual and routine tend to give us meaning, I guess.

The only thing I can say about depression is that you feel a sense of emptiness, hopelessness and at times worthlessness. It's as if a dark cloud is hanging over your head. Sure, there were moments of joy, but they were short-lived in the face of running errands for others and feeling lost and not myself. Prayers seemed to hit a brass ceiling and go nowhere. Even though, I was determined to worship God through it all, it was gut-wrenching because I was battling for my life. There were days at work that my co-teacher had to turn the lights on in my office because I preferred the dark to illumination. She even asked me one day if I cared about my appearance because I guess I wasn't looking so great (and I am not one to come out of the house looking messy and slovenly). However, even in the midst of my confusion and despair, I still heard the still, small voice of God saying, "I'm right here, Kim. I'm with you every step of the way." This gave me the strength to keep going. Step-by-step, God led me out of the darkness.

As the Lord walked me through the process, He invited me to confront and to embrace my feelings honestly. If I was angry or felt guilty, it was OK to say that. If I felt like yelling or crying uncontrollably, God was able to handle that as well. As I sought Him, slowly, there was a piercing in the night sky and I began to dream again. I think the night the residue of the depression fled was when I began to go into spiritual labor with Terri acting as my midwife, Brian as my lamaze (spelling!) coach, and Linda, Jake, and Janese as the encouragers! Oh, what a night! I sat in the birthing position and yelled my head off! It was dramatic and weird, but my passion for God and for life was solidly rekindled that glorious night!

Today, the Lord is restoring my vibrancy and I once again, wake up with worship songs in my spirit. I feel youthful, radiant, and dare I say, attractive? God has vanquished the darkness with His unconditional and insanely faithful love. He has poured the oil of joy into my existence. He knows how to choreograph the steps of restoration and true life, and to create a beautiful composition out of our pain. He also knows that a hippy like me proudly displays her wildflowers (real and metaphorical). They are the symbols of His matchless grace and his splendid, larger-than-life heart. He is my God and I can't thank Him enough!

Kimberly Rae Ross